Going Through Transition
Yes it does seem that estrogen or testosterone will be the answer to all of our problems, but if you're dealing with suffering and rage, then you you're still going to be dealing with suffering and rage. These hormones aren't a magic forget me all that just happens to make you instantly feel better. First starting out on hormones made me feel like shit and I contemplated for the first 3 months if I was doing the right thing. I hated myself even more because I felt that the hormones weren't doing anything for me. What I was soon to realize with help from my friends was that I needed to let go of the constraints that held me down from my previous state to now or they would continually transfer over. I needed to learn that I needed to just accept what was coming for me and that it wouldn't solve all my problems. At minimal it would magnify some and others it would keep the same or slightly lessen. None of my problems would go away. Not one. The only way to get rid of the pain, suffering, rage and hate is to work through those problems.
Seek professional help. Talk to someone who can help get you to a better level of understanding yourself before you go and throw crazy uncontrollable emotion in there. I wish that I would have done it too instead of trying to strike this out on my own. I wasn't prepared for any of the changes that I had previously so desperately welcomed. I wasn't ready to lose people that I held so dear to me from my life. I wasn't ready for being called out, made fun of, talked shit about, rumored about and the countless other things that my transition has helped me walked into. No I went in blind and had to learn the hard way. I had to learn that uncontrollable crying can happen at anytime in any place. That feelings are actually way different on estrogen than without. That breast growth is itchy, painful and down right annoying. That going through second puberty will cause you to be retarded at times and you'll be all over the place. That not only are you throwing away male privilege to become a woman, but if someone doesn't accept your chosen appearance than you're a monster and scum of the earth. Even though you find out you're still generally the same person than before you have to kind of realize that at the same time your not. You either have to become a lot tougher with a harder shell or you'll become completely weak and destroyed. I thought as a guy I did some pretty tough shit and in those moments with guy mentality, I just had to suck up and push on. Now I know nothing is harder than this lifestyle choice. This is where all that suffering comes into play. This is where you truly have to man up and make your choice: are you going to try to obtain happiness or are you going to allow for the world to constantly destroy you to the point where you don't want to exist. The thing is you're going to continually have to ask yourself that everyday because everyday it will get gradually and gradually harder, but just remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is up to you, no one else, to try to obtain that point.
I know I envy cis people even more than ever before of how easily they accept their genders, but I'm learning more and more through this transition that is not the case. Everyone is slightly dysphoric about something in their body or way of life that drives them mad and they just have to deal with it everyday. This is life. I'm just trying to get rid of my dysphoria. I am just trying to live my life the best way that I know possible. This road is going to be long and tough, but I will be free to be me. I will be free to do what I need or want to do to survive. This road may or may not lead to a happy ending. Life is weird that way. All I know is that if I can have the days when I feel utterly happy multiply then this road is totally worth it.
Today is the day that I finally talk to someone about my issues, the ones that I have built walls against, the ones that I have tried so hard to convince myself didn't exist. I do not know what I am going to say or if I will even be able to say them. All that I do know is that this is one of the biggest steps that I have tried to make in my life. Anxiety is settling over me as we speak. I fear that it will all go wrong, that I will have to wait longer, that I will be denied the chance to see someone that might actually try to help me through my pain and transition. Today is a scary ordeal that I will have to face to help defeat myself. Today is just another day for my life.
Being Picked On
Going through life people always have the fear of being picked on, bullied or not fitting in. They try so hard to get in the “cool” things that they end up losing a part of themselves. They either forget or give up stuff they actually like in hopes of not being an outsider. They change who they are for the simple sake that someone won’t call them out. This how general society works.
I know that not every single person decides to live this way and the ones that don’t follow the status quo usually have it pretty hard. They are usually singled out for the uniqueness and it leads to tons of problems that usually separates them from general society. These people realize that changing themselves to fit into other groups doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be happy. They keep to themselves and are sometimes lucky enough to find people that they are alike or that actually don’t care that they are so called “weird.” These people don’t live vain or in hiding. They express themselves the only way they know how and usually are pretty happy in what they do.
Every person has their own unique ability. They are able to do things that others think are impossible. Yet so many people easily give up those abilities to be part of cliques where they get drowned out as drones. They allow for their peers or the social media to tell them what is cool, in style or just plain what makes you fit in. Pretty soon they give up what they actually like and start believing that what they are told to like is what they do like. It is pretty sad to see someone talented get drowned out by all of the voices around them and not have their own.
Yet society is changing. Being an Individual is more popular than ever. Kids are becoming resistant to change and are continuously staying who they are while expressing themselves how they want. The fear of not fitting in is disappearing. Somehow this younger generation, even though it is a select few, are setting the standards for the generations before them and the ones to follow.
These kids are brave enough to come out and say that something is wrong at ages when adults wouldn’t believe it is possible. They are able to express themselves unashamed and peacefully without negative repercussions from their peers. The only problem is that they are still getting picked on.
They are getting picked on by the older generations who need to learn from some lessons from them. The older generations that aren’t receptive to change are the ones striking down the hopes and dreams of these kids way before they even have a chance of fully finding their places in the world. They are picking on them and destroying their beings without ever having knowledge of who these kids even are. They tell them that there’s rearmost and that they don’t have a place in society. The sad part is that it is not only the kids that are coming out as transgendered and gay, it also includes the kids that think outside of the box, the ones that apply simple logic to complicated situations, the ones that question why 2+2=2x2 and so on. It isn’t change that is holding us back, but the resistance to change that is.
Our society needs to stop pushing stuff on principles that don't exist anymore. How many people who fight against the things that they find immoral to be only caught doing the same immoral acts? Doesn't that prove something? To me it says a lot. It tells me not to follow people and their opinions so blindly. It tells me to have my own opinions and question things that don't make sense to me or that I don't understand. It tells me that no one is ever right and that we have to come to our own conclusions. We have to formulate our own ideas and remember that we are individuals that can see differently than everyone else. So why do we so easily accept others views as our own?
The reason I wrote this post today is because most of my whole life I ran from my transition because I was scared of not being accepted or fitting in. I was scared I was going to get bullied, harassed and at worst killed. I was terrified of anyone knowing my secret. I tried so hard to make it seem like it wasn't there, but it felt like I was trying to swim up from the bottom of the ocean only to notice that it didn't look there was any relief in sight. I gave up tons of things that I had enjoyed over the years just so that people would think I was normal. I have done a lot of things that have progressed me farther and farther into living life with a mask.
I used to like going to school, until I met a bunch of kids at Vanalden Elementary that made my life hell. When I had first learn how to write I was left handed. After switching schools some boys told me that I was gay if I wrote with my left hand so I forced myself to switch. I didn't know what gay was at the time, but I knew that I didn't want anything to have to do with it. At my old school it didn't matter if I had a friend who was a girl or a boy we didn't care. At Vanalden that was not the case. I had always found myself drifting more towards trying to hangout with girls than boys. As it turned out though boys were yucky and girls didn't want anything to do with me. All the boys were mean to me because I was the rich kid or the six year old that joined their second grade class or because I just didn't fit in.
I didn't know what to do and tried to find out from my mom why it was that I couldn't wear pretty dresses like all the other girls. That is when I found out what gender was. I was told because I was a boy I couldn't wear dresses. That only girls got to wear dresses. I kept asking until she used the perfect analogy and it went all down hill from there: You're like Daddy and the girls are like Mommy. Daddy only wears pants and Mommy can get to wear dresses. You're a boy and one day you'll be a Daddy who marries a Mommy and live happily ever after. From that day on I knew that something was wrong with the world before my eyes. That somehow someway things were messed up and that I was going to suffer. I still remember my first prayer to God asking him to change my gender: Please God let me wake up a girl so that I can wear pretty dresses, but that prayer soon faded away after the bullying got to its worst. I could never find a way to fit in. Sometimes I would just sit by myself because I wasn't feeling like having to defend myself from all of the other kids. Even that wouldn't stop the bullying. In one instance I was picked on by a group of girls around the third grade and was told: Your such a sucky boy, you should have been a girl. That statement hurt to my core because I wanted to tell them they were right. I wanted to tell them that is how I felt, yet I just ran away because I didn't know what else to do. Over the years I can't remember how many times I heard that statement in both good and bad forms. No matter though how many times I heard it or which way it was it still hurt. It still made me feel less than. It made me try to cover my true self with a thicker mask because obviously the last one wasn't working. In the end I became the biggest bully to myself.
Recently I started transitioning and was found out by my co-workers. At first they were told to keep it quite and that they were to say nothing of it because I was such a great employee. With that being said I wasn't questioned about it or told anything. I just went through like nothing happened, but I could tell that everyone saw me different. I would hear the things they would say about me when they thought I couldn't hear. I knew that I was the point of major ridicule and there was nothing that I can do because no one was attacking me head on. I was being made fun of behind my back and it hurt that I wouldn't have any chance to defend myself.
I finally got fed up of fearing that if I had ever brought up my transition that I would be attacked and came out to people that would actually deal with me. Turns out most of them didn't care and actually talked to me about it. They only wanted to know the basics and anything past that made the conversation turn awkward. I only answered the questions that they would ask and I would quit when I could tell that they didn't want to hear anymore. I still feared being picked on, but I would rather have people know my situation than use the opinions of others to formulate or accept those opinions as their own.
Pretty soon it died down, but the jokes started flying out. Yes, at times it does feel like I am being picked on, but because of the career field that I work in I know that this is how the try and deal with something that they fully can't get their head around. Some of the jokes are really funny and even I laugh along or add to the fun, but at other times I can't believe what was said and have to walk away. I know most of the people aren't trying to be mean or make me feel uncomfortable, but most don't have to deal with a person transitioning beween the genders. They are doing the best they can to try and make it so that I am not left out of the group. I didn't think that would be possible, but I am finding out that the more and more people that are ready to acknowledge my situation with me the more and more that they don't care and are like, "Well do whatever makes you happy."
It is really weird going though most of my life afraid to be picked on to actually wanting to be picked on because it means that my situation is being acknowledged and accepted. (Mostly I am getting teased for being a girl, rarely transgendered) It is weird how much life can change over a small period of time and how you can look at stuff that used to scare you differently. Embracing this new world is scary, but being able to be strong through it and not run away will mean the world of difference to your transition.
I know that not every single person decides to live this way and the ones that don’t follow the status quo usually have it pretty hard. They are usually singled out for the uniqueness and it leads to tons of problems that usually separates them from general society. These people realize that changing themselves to fit into other groups doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be happy. They keep to themselves and are sometimes lucky enough to find people that they are alike or that actually don’t care that they are so called “weird.” These people don’t live vain or in hiding. They express themselves the only way they know how and usually are pretty happy in what they do.
Every person has their own unique ability. They are able to do things that others think are impossible. Yet so many people easily give up those abilities to be part of cliques where they get drowned out as drones. They allow for their peers or the social media to tell them what is cool, in style or just plain what makes you fit in. Pretty soon they give up what they actually like and start believing that what they are told to like is what they do like. It is pretty sad to see someone talented get drowned out by all of the voices around them and not have their own.
Yet society is changing. Being an Individual is more popular than ever. Kids are becoming resistant to change and are continuously staying who they are while expressing themselves how they want. The fear of not fitting in is disappearing. Somehow this younger generation, even though it is a select few, are setting the standards for the generations before them and the ones to follow.
These kids are brave enough to come out and say that something is wrong at ages when adults wouldn’t believe it is possible. They are able to express themselves unashamed and peacefully without negative repercussions from their peers. The only problem is that they are still getting picked on.
They are getting picked on by the older generations who need to learn from some lessons from them. The older generations that aren’t receptive to change are the ones striking down the hopes and dreams of these kids way before they even have a chance of fully finding their places in the world. They are picking on them and destroying their beings without ever having knowledge of who these kids even are. They tell them that there’s rearmost and that they don’t have a place in society. The sad part is that it is not only the kids that are coming out as transgendered and gay, it also includes the kids that think outside of the box, the ones that apply simple logic to complicated situations, the ones that question why 2+2=2x2 and so on. It isn’t change that is holding us back, but the resistance to change that is.
Our society needs to stop pushing stuff on principles that don't exist anymore. How many people who fight against the things that they find immoral to be only caught doing the same immoral acts? Doesn't that prove something? To me it says a lot. It tells me not to follow people and their opinions so blindly. It tells me to have my own opinions and question things that don't make sense to me or that I don't understand. It tells me that no one is ever right and that we have to come to our own conclusions. We have to formulate our own ideas and remember that we are individuals that can see differently than everyone else. So why do we so easily accept others views as our own?
The reason I wrote this post today is because most of my whole life I ran from my transition because I was scared of not being accepted or fitting in. I was scared I was going to get bullied, harassed and at worst killed. I was terrified of anyone knowing my secret. I tried so hard to make it seem like it wasn't there, but it felt like I was trying to swim up from the bottom of the ocean only to notice that it didn't look there was any relief in sight. I gave up tons of things that I had enjoyed over the years just so that people would think I was normal. I have done a lot of things that have progressed me farther and farther into living life with a mask.
I used to like going to school, until I met a bunch of kids at Vanalden Elementary that made my life hell. When I had first learn how to write I was left handed. After switching schools some boys told me that I was gay if I wrote with my left hand so I forced myself to switch. I didn't know what gay was at the time, but I knew that I didn't want anything to have to do with it. At my old school it didn't matter if I had a friend who was a girl or a boy we didn't care. At Vanalden that was not the case. I had always found myself drifting more towards trying to hangout with girls than boys. As it turned out though boys were yucky and girls didn't want anything to do with me. All the boys were mean to me because I was the rich kid or the six year old that joined their second grade class or because I just didn't fit in.
I didn't know what to do and tried to find out from my mom why it was that I couldn't wear pretty dresses like all the other girls. That is when I found out what gender was. I was told because I was a boy I couldn't wear dresses. That only girls got to wear dresses. I kept asking until she used the perfect analogy and it went all down hill from there: You're like Daddy and the girls are like Mommy. Daddy only wears pants and Mommy can get to wear dresses. You're a boy and one day you'll be a Daddy who marries a Mommy and live happily ever after. From that day on I knew that something was wrong with the world before my eyes. That somehow someway things were messed up and that I was going to suffer. I still remember my first prayer to God asking him to change my gender: Please God let me wake up a girl so that I can wear pretty dresses, but that prayer soon faded away after the bullying got to its worst. I could never find a way to fit in. Sometimes I would just sit by myself because I wasn't feeling like having to defend myself from all of the other kids. Even that wouldn't stop the bullying. In one instance I was picked on by a group of girls around the third grade and was told: Your such a sucky boy, you should have been a girl. That statement hurt to my core because I wanted to tell them they were right. I wanted to tell them that is how I felt, yet I just ran away because I didn't know what else to do. Over the years I can't remember how many times I heard that statement in both good and bad forms. No matter though how many times I heard it or which way it was it still hurt. It still made me feel less than. It made me try to cover my true self with a thicker mask because obviously the last one wasn't working. In the end I became the biggest bully to myself.
Recently I started transitioning and was found out by my co-workers. At first they were told to keep it quite and that they were to say nothing of it because I was such a great employee. With that being said I wasn't questioned about it or told anything. I just went through like nothing happened, but I could tell that everyone saw me different. I would hear the things they would say about me when they thought I couldn't hear. I knew that I was the point of major ridicule and there was nothing that I can do because no one was attacking me head on. I was being made fun of behind my back and it hurt that I wouldn't have any chance to defend myself.
I finally got fed up of fearing that if I had ever brought up my transition that I would be attacked and came out to people that would actually deal with me. Turns out most of them didn't care and actually talked to me about it. They only wanted to know the basics and anything past that made the conversation turn awkward. I only answered the questions that they would ask and I would quit when I could tell that they didn't want to hear anymore. I still feared being picked on, but I would rather have people know my situation than use the opinions of others to formulate or accept those opinions as their own.
Pretty soon it died down, but the jokes started flying out. Yes, at times it does feel like I am being picked on, but because of the career field that I work in I know that this is how the try and deal with something that they fully can't get their head around. Some of the jokes are really funny and even I laugh along or add to the fun, but at other times I can't believe what was said and have to walk away. I know most of the people aren't trying to be mean or make me feel uncomfortable, but most don't have to deal with a person transitioning beween the genders. They are doing the best they can to try and make it so that I am not left out of the group. I didn't think that would be possible, but I am finding out that the more and more people that are ready to acknowledge my situation with me the more and more that they don't care and are like, "Well do whatever makes you happy."
It is really weird going though most of my life afraid to be picked on to actually wanting to be picked on because it means that my situation is being acknowledged and accepted. (Mostly I am getting teased for being a girl, rarely transgendered) It is weird how much life can change over a small period of time and how you can look at stuff that used to scare you differently. Embracing this new world is scary, but being able to be strong through it and not run away will mean the world of difference to your transition.
New Horizons
So recently I just came out to a bunch of friends that I used to have in High School before I decided to abandon them from my life because I felt that it would be too hard to have to keep pretending to be something I wasn't around them. I lost a lot of people that way, but as it actually turns out, I didn't lose as many as I thought.
Most of the friends that I have came out to have nothing but compliments to hand out to me with a bunch of courage and support. It is super overwhelming because I thought that out of all the people that I was friends with only a handful would be supportive and actually want to move back into our friendship like it never disappeared, not missing a beat. It is pretty awesome to realize that I was always surrounded by great people, I just needed to find myself before I could realize that. As it turns out it is only a handful that probably do have a problem with my transition and they show it by refusing to accept my friend requests and since I don't want to count the negative things in my life, it can also be that they don't recognize me at all because heck, I don't even recognize myself.
All of these old friends have each done different and amazing things in their lives that I am super excited about catching up. This is a new road ahead of me and I definitely know it is for the better. I am glad to say that I have more support from unlikely places and it feels good. It definitely puts a smile on my face and gives me hope that I can make through these changes with way more people there to back me up. I just can't wait to see what the world has in store for me next.
Current feeling: Happy and excited.
Current music choice: Silversun Pickups
Paths We Choose
Sometimes the paths you choose don't lead you down to the life you want to live. A lot of times they look as if they are going towards the right direction only to throw a major curve in the road that totally guides you in the wrong direction. Other times you find that the road that you had been following leads you to a dead end and you realize that you must give up pursing that path, find a new path, or backtrack the current path and see if there was anything that you missed along the way.
No one ever said that growing and experiencing life would be easy. As they didn't say that the people that you hold dear to you in your life down one path would stay dear to you when you have to take another. Life is full of mysteries that you can't control. It is full of events that you may seem to read as aiming to ruin your life, but not always. No, sometimes you have spells of luck where you are happy and everything is going right. There isn't a cloud in the sky that can ruin your parade. Then you come to the end of that path and there is a multiple fork in the road. What do you choose? Which one is the right one to take? How will going down this path affect those closest to you or the ones that you care about? How will it affect you? Will you ever possibly know what life would have been down a different path?
All these questions come pouncing on you from outside the shadows. You have no idea what to do and you get scared. You try to put off choosing a path for awhile, but life keeps moving on and there is nothing that you can do to stop it. You just know that it is a important decision that must be made. You know that there is no else even remotely capable of making this decision for you. You know the longer that you put off the decision, the heavier the world knocks on your door waiting for your decision to be made in the flesh. Only one offering will be accepted and that will be you. The clock still ticks.
Finally after coming to the conclusion to accept one of the any paths, you turn to the ones around you and you ask if you are making the right choice. You ask how they feel about it and if they are ok with it. You remind them that it is just a path, that you aren't going to change, and you will still be there for them like you were previously. Sometimes the people that you care about have a fit, sometimes they are accepting, others just deny the fact that you told them anything at all. Once in awhile they will contact you and ask why are you doing this to them? Why are you trying to hurt them so bad? What did they do to throw you down this path? You assure them that they did nothing wrong. that you have always been like this and it was time to stop lying to yourself as well as the world. You explain to them that you are finally able to feel happy, that the world doesn't seem like such an empty place anymore. You describe to them that now you feel drawn to the world instead of rejected and that you now know that you have a spot to fulfill. They don't hear a word you say and they say that they will pray for your soul.
You feel broken inside and don't know if you made the right decision any longer. You look back at the old path that you had been waiting to get off for so long and you wonder what if? What if you would have chosen that path that had mostly resembled the old one or the one that was running in the same direction? What if you would have asked everyone first for the opinions on choosing your path, that way you didn't alienate people? What if you didn't choose any path at all and decided just to call it quits back there at the fork? How much easier would have that been?
You become torn inside. You scream at yourself. You cry because you need comfort and relief. You go to those who said that they supported you and find that they too have turned away. They were all fine with you choosing the path, but most them actually hoped that you wouldn't have actually started to go down it. You keep trudging along the path lost and miserable. The path starts to lead down into dark dense areas where you can not see out in front of you, but only a little bit down the line. You get scared that maybe you aren't going the right way, but you become even more frightened that if you turn back to try and get back to the fork that you wouldn't find your way as it was hard enough just getting to the point that you are at now. You become confused. Everything is not as it should be. The thoughts of hope and excitement you had at the beginning of the path is now far gone and all you have left is fear and grief. You come to the point where you have completely lost the will to continue moving forward and you sit at the end of the side of the path broken and alone. You feel that there is no one else to turn to, as the sky turns dark, covered in clouds. The rain begins to pour and the spot that you decided to camp out in has no cover. You wallow in the rain for a time until you realize that you will perish if you stay out in it too long. You first decide that might not be such a bad idea. On the second thought, you realize that people still depend on you and you move back to the path to search for shelter or at least cover. You keep moving along slow and miserable as you are soaked in moving through the mud. You then notice the second set of foot prints. You heart flutters for a second. There is someone else out there on the same road. You try to move faster to catch up with them, but you are still fighting all the baggage you are carrying while the path continues to throw its worst at you. You keep moving despite your energy levels crashing as each step is made in desperation.
The storm dissipates as you enter an open area. You can see far ahead of you and you make out the silhouette of the person you have been chasing. It is a down hill slope so you gather all the energy you have to make the last final push. You start running, your feet heavy with mud and your clothes soaked with water. The ground feels nice and smooth under your feet for the mere nanoseconds that you feet touch the ground as you continuously pick up speed moving down the slope of your path. You heart flutters as you realize that you might have someone to relate to; Someone that has chosen the same exact path as you; Someone that might be able to help guide you to the next point or fork in the road. Your breath is ragged now. You lungs pumping hard to continue to provide you with the oxygen that is keeping your muscles pumping, but isn't enough as you can feel the strain starting to take its toll. You keep moving though knowing that once you stop it is all over and you don't want to give up. There is one more hill to make it over and you run up the slope your body finds that reserve it was saving and you spend it willingly knowing that the reward you'll receive will out weigh the cost.
You finally make it to the top only to be disappointed. There was no person there the whole time. Only a mirror. You fall to your knees broken. Your spirit is crushed. You have no will to move from this point. Your body cries out in anguish because it has nothing left to give. Your thoughts run a muck. You're done you tell yourself; there is no reason to go on. You open your eyes to look at the rest of the path you had left. The stupid mirror is blocking your view. You wish to yourself that you had the energy to shatter it into a million pieces. You finally look into it to realize how pathetic you really are. At first glance you don't recognize the person looking back at you. You blink a few times to make sure you aren't hallucinating. You make faces to see if the thing you see can do the same. It mimics every move. You start to study the image that you see. It is so weird. The person that you see is you, but a you that you don't recognize and you have been you your whole life. The person that you see makes you happy. They give you energy. You can instantly feel your spirit lift. You pull yourself closer to the mirror so that you can get a better look. You admire all of your new features. There are barely any of your old ones and the ones that you do carry only make you related to your old self, not reminders. You shed a tear, not of sadness, but of happiness because you realized that you were chasing a person the whole time. It only turned out that it was just yourself, your true self, the one that you had hoped you'd become when you started this path out. The one you hoped you'd become your whole life.
You stand up, wipe away the tears and start heading down the path that you had chose. You still don't know where it is going to take you, but you do know that you will be able to make it to the next. You keep walking, never looking back. There is no need. The person that started this journey is gone. Only the you who you are is left and you are finally ok with that.
Revelations
The feeling of dysphoria is horrible. It can cause you to sideline everything that happens in your life. It causes you to become dysfunctional and useless. Every little thing from breathing to work becomes a pain. Just the knowledge that you exist in the world makes you feel disgusted and sick to your stomach. Your entire atmosphere becomes a mess and it is barely tolerable to live in. You don't care though. When the feeling of dysphoria comes and washes over you, it is hard to care about anything. You don't eat. You don't do laundry. You hardly work. You hardly interact with others and when you do it is mostly to tell them that you aren't interested in what they have to say. You revert back to being a shell of a person, empty inside and useless. Those around you are left to suffer too; your dogs, your cats, your spouses, your loved ones, the people that care about you, all of them left out in the cold to rot. You can't explain it to them because they won't understand. You try to visualize words that they might be able to hear, but how do you describe a chaos that is going on inside of you that has no distinct painful feeling that you can describe but is painful all over? How do you describe the overwhelming feeling of self hate and loathing? How do you plea for their help when you can't even stand the sound of your own voice or the thought of you having to deal with another interaction where they don't or won't understand?
You cry alone with yourself, who you hate because there is no one else to turn to, yet it is the only one that is there. You might already be going down the path to get to where you need or might not, it doesn't matter from dysphoria's point of view. It doesn't care whether you are having the time of your life or if you are having the worst time of you life. It moves in and swoops in fast. It destroys any self respect or love you have for yourself. It causes you to remove yourself from the world and it knows how to keep you from coming back for awhile. It is not biased or prejudiced. All it wants is to destroy you to make you feel pain and suffering. It wins almost every fight you put against it and it boasts its victories in your face. It is definitely a sore loser when it doesn't win and will always try to strike you when your back is turned. It comes and goes in the shadows so you can never be prepared for its attack. The days you do win though you should cherish because you never know when it is coming back. Those days are the easiest days and you wish for them to never end. On those days dysphoria sits there watching you biding it's time.
Today after a week long battle of losing, I finally won. I finally put dysphoria out of its streak. It was a real good battle, but in the end I came out victorious. It was a random win, but nonetheless a win. I was finally able to look at myself in the mirror and appreciate the person staring back at me. My body is finally to a point where it is getting harder and harder to deny the physical changes that have started to become really apparent. I could see the woman in me ready to break out. Ready to take on the world. Ready to defeat dysphoria at every chance she can get. Ready to be me. I look at her and smile; she smiles brightly. 'Today is going to be a good day,' I think to myself as I put on the male clothes to associate back into society as a liar. Today is going to be a good day.
Dysphoria watches and waits.
When You Have To Stop Hiding
So I guess when you say that the cat is out of the bag, the "cat" is truly out of the bag. Information can spread like a wildfire, without any control or direction. The only thing that you can do once you start to fight it is to try to funnel the information in the best possible direction that would cause the least amount of damage. No matter how you try to play it, you will be burned. The only only thing that you can limit is how badly.
There are many different ways to approach a situation. Not all of them will be favorable to you. Sometimes every which way will cause you grief or suffering. They might not be a limit to how much damage you will encounter, but there is always a way to minimize how much it affects you.
No one ever side life would be easy. No one said it would be a fairytale either. Although life is only as hard as you let it be and how much you let it get to you. There are times when you believe that nothing else worse can happen to you when you are at your lowest points to find out that it can get worse or when you are at your most exhilarating points that nothing can top them or make them horrible. Well truth be told life is unpredictable and sometimes unimaginable. You never know what to expect as there is always surprises around every corner. You can never prepare for every event, but you can prepare yourself to be able to be strong when you have to take horrible situations head on.
Confidence is a key component at being the number one game changing factor. The people that we most seem to admire always have the same attributes about them: Confidence, courage and bravery. What we fail to realize is that these same people are just like you and I, with fears and problems just the same. Just because they carry a an appearance that seems to be strong, they might be scared out of their minds of the stuff that they have to accomplish everyday, but they do it none the less because it has to be done. Yes, maybe they have grown over time to carry more and more of the attributes that you admire, but to them it might not be that apparent that they are that way at all. Maybe they are just trying to live their lives the best way they know possible and that just so happens to make them appear to have those attributes about them when in all reality they feel vain.
We tend to focus a lot of our lives on what ifs and if so's instead of dealing with the situations that are before us. A lot of the time we idolize people that we wish we could be like instead of attempting to be like them. What we end up doing is limiting ourselves from truly moving on pass certain bumps in the road and we get stuck. We get trapped in our minds with a feeling of no escape. We try to run and hide, but there is truly no escape when every single fear you have is multiplied by yourself inside your own head. As the famous quote goes "You are your own worst enemy," and it is the truest quote that I have ever known.
In my own relation of facing my fears and experiencing life, I fought myself hard on the decision to choose happiness over easiness. I struggled everyday with the decision that would be life changing. I tried to push it away as if it was just a phase. I tried to pretend it didn't exist and would try to focus my life on being the person that I thought I was supposed to be for my family and those around me. I made horrible decisions that I regretted having to go through everyday just so that I could feel I was passing as the person that I thought the world wanted me to be.
Not until recently did I realize that the only person that was truly limiting from me being who I am and from being happy was myself. There was no one else standing there in front of me holding me back. It had been myself the whole time.
Facing myself actually for the first time took major guts. It wasn't easy. My adversary was smart, cunning and knew me very well. There would be no way to beat him at his own game, for he would have truly won every battle. I had to change the game. I had to make it so that the rules were in my favor. I had to stop allowing for fear to control the rules and use techniques that I weren't quite sure would work, but I knew I had to try.
Courage is what helped me prevail. Courage that I didn't think I had. Courage that some would call brave, but in all reality was done out of fear and uncertainty. Even when I stop to think about it, I wouldn't consider it to be courage. I was doing what I had to do just to survive. I was doing it because I knew no other way of going on from the point that I was at. I needed to do it to live; to be free of everything that was keeping me down and making me feel utterly useless to the the world.
I stepped out of my comfort zone and I told the people dearest to me what I wanted to do with my life and how things would be different from here on out. I knew that I wouldn't get all cheers and celebration, but it was part of finally living my life that I had truly always wanted. Relationships broke, sorrow was given, but overall I had a ton of support that I thought I would never have. Not everyone accepted my decision and most were shocked. I had been so good at wearing my mask and pretending to be someone that I wasn't that they couldn't comprehend that I wasn't truly that way. I didn't try to convince them or force them to believe something they couldn't comprehend. I just moved on and allowed for them to come to me if they wanted to know more. I didn't force them to accept me. I had enough of a hard time just letting them know about my situation in the first place. Pretty soon I told everyone in my family and it made life just that much more simple.
Thanks to social media I didn't have to tell anyone at my work. They all found out. Having to face that fire was devastating. Word got around to everyone quickly and thoroughly. There was no way that I couldn't face up to the situation that was before me. The day I had to go in to face the music, I seriously had a panic attack. It took all my focus just to get out of my car that I didn't even realize that I had made it into the building. I tried to avoid as many people as I could, but I could tell that things were going to be different for me. The weirdest thing was that no one straight called me out on it. I knew that they knew, but yet the worse of the reactions was words under their breath or avoiding me all together. Over time I slowly began readjusting myself into situations I truly didn't want to be part of. Some were resistant at first, but others plainly gave up and moved on. The only think that I did was avoid the reality and pretend to have confidence. I guess it worked. More and more people allowed for me to come back around without feeling awkward about it. Pretty soon I didn't feel weird about it anymore and I just wouldn't think about the elephant in the room that no one would talk about.
Pretty soon no one cared enough (or showed that they did) about my situation to even have it addressed. Some of them even told me about their gay family or people that they knew that were in situations close to mine. I was finally able to come out and tell them all that they wanted to know and it was so assuring to be able to be accepted by people that I really thought would just hate or be weirded out with me. If I was in a greater position to tell everyone the full extent of my life I would, but being how my current employment doesn't allow for trans service members, I have to be very careful how I deal with my situation so that the repercussions don't fully come to burn me too bad.
Overall what I have learned is that I needed to be true to myself and not fear the unexpected because you'll never know what truly is going to happen in any given situation. My confidence has definitely put on a few more layers and hopefully pretty soon when I am 100% ready to take on the world it will have enough that will be able to protect me from the onslaught that is the world. In the end I will just have to remember that no matter what happens throughout the rest of my days I will still be who I knew I was meant to be.
There are many different ways to approach a situation. Not all of them will be favorable to you. Sometimes every which way will cause you grief or suffering. They might not be a limit to how much damage you will encounter, but there is always a way to minimize how much it affects you.
No one ever side life would be easy. No one said it would be a fairytale either. Although life is only as hard as you let it be and how much you let it get to you. There are times when you believe that nothing else worse can happen to you when you are at your lowest points to find out that it can get worse or when you are at your most exhilarating points that nothing can top them or make them horrible. Well truth be told life is unpredictable and sometimes unimaginable. You never know what to expect as there is always surprises around every corner. You can never prepare for every event, but you can prepare yourself to be able to be strong when you have to take horrible situations head on.
Confidence is a key component at being the number one game changing factor. The people that we most seem to admire always have the same attributes about them: Confidence, courage and bravery. What we fail to realize is that these same people are just like you and I, with fears and problems just the same. Just because they carry a an appearance that seems to be strong, they might be scared out of their minds of the stuff that they have to accomplish everyday, but they do it none the less because it has to be done. Yes, maybe they have grown over time to carry more and more of the attributes that you admire, but to them it might not be that apparent that they are that way at all. Maybe they are just trying to live their lives the best way they know possible and that just so happens to make them appear to have those attributes about them when in all reality they feel vain.
We tend to focus a lot of our lives on what ifs and if so's instead of dealing with the situations that are before us. A lot of the time we idolize people that we wish we could be like instead of attempting to be like them. What we end up doing is limiting ourselves from truly moving on pass certain bumps in the road and we get stuck. We get trapped in our minds with a feeling of no escape. We try to run and hide, but there is truly no escape when every single fear you have is multiplied by yourself inside your own head. As the famous quote goes "You are your own worst enemy," and it is the truest quote that I have ever known.
In my own relation of facing my fears and experiencing life, I fought myself hard on the decision to choose happiness over easiness. I struggled everyday with the decision that would be life changing. I tried to push it away as if it was just a phase. I tried to pretend it didn't exist and would try to focus my life on being the person that I thought I was supposed to be for my family and those around me. I made horrible decisions that I regretted having to go through everyday just so that I could feel I was passing as the person that I thought the world wanted me to be.
Not until recently did I realize that the only person that was truly limiting from me being who I am and from being happy was myself. There was no one else standing there in front of me holding me back. It had been myself the whole time.
Facing myself actually for the first time took major guts. It wasn't easy. My adversary was smart, cunning and knew me very well. There would be no way to beat him at his own game, for he would have truly won every battle. I had to change the game. I had to make it so that the rules were in my favor. I had to stop allowing for fear to control the rules and use techniques that I weren't quite sure would work, but I knew I had to try.
Courage is what helped me prevail. Courage that I didn't think I had. Courage that some would call brave, but in all reality was done out of fear and uncertainty. Even when I stop to think about it, I wouldn't consider it to be courage. I was doing what I had to do just to survive. I was doing it because I knew no other way of going on from the point that I was at. I needed to do it to live; to be free of everything that was keeping me down and making me feel utterly useless to the the world.
I stepped out of my comfort zone and I told the people dearest to me what I wanted to do with my life and how things would be different from here on out. I knew that I wouldn't get all cheers and celebration, but it was part of finally living my life that I had truly always wanted. Relationships broke, sorrow was given, but overall I had a ton of support that I thought I would never have. Not everyone accepted my decision and most were shocked. I had been so good at wearing my mask and pretending to be someone that I wasn't that they couldn't comprehend that I wasn't truly that way. I didn't try to convince them or force them to believe something they couldn't comprehend. I just moved on and allowed for them to come to me if they wanted to know more. I didn't force them to accept me. I had enough of a hard time just letting them know about my situation in the first place. Pretty soon I told everyone in my family and it made life just that much more simple.
Thanks to social media I didn't have to tell anyone at my work. They all found out. Having to face that fire was devastating. Word got around to everyone quickly and thoroughly. There was no way that I couldn't face up to the situation that was before me. The day I had to go in to face the music, I seriously had a panic attack. It took all my focus just to get out of my car that I didn't even realize that I had made it into the building. I tried to avoid as many people as I could, but I could tell that things were going to be different for me. The weirdest thing was that no one straight called me out on it. I knew that they knew, but yet the worse of the reactions was words under their breath or avoiding me all together. Over time I slowly began readjusting myself into situations I truly didn't want to be part of. Some were resistant at first, but others plainly gave up and moved on. The only think that I did was avoid the reality and pretend to have confidence. I guess it worked. More and more people allowed for me to come back around without feeling awkward about it. Pretty soon I didn't feel weird about it anymore and I just wouldn't think about the elephant in the room that no one would talk about.
Pretty soon no one cared enough (or showed that they did) about my situation to even have it addressed. Some of them even told me about their gay family or people that they knew that were in situations close to mine. I was finally able to come out and tell them all that they wanted to know and it was so assuring to be able to be accepted by people that I really thought would just hate or be weirded out with me. If I was in a greater position to tell everyone the full extent of my life I would, but being how my current employment doesn't allow for trans service members, I have to be very careful how I deal with my situation so that the repercussions don't fully come to burn me too bad.
Overall what I have learned is that I needed to be true to myself and not fear the unexpected because you'll never know what truly is going to happen in any given situation. My confidence has definitely put on a few more layers and hopefully pretty soon when I am 100% ready to take on the world it will have enough that will be able to protect me from the onslaught that is the world. In the end I will just have to remember that no matter what happens throughout the rest of my days I will still be who I knew I was meant to be.
Removal Of Your Mask
Finally being able to stop viewing life through someone else's life is a pretty surreal experience. It means that you have to actually be out in the world as you truly are, without your masks or ideas of how you are supposed to be. You have to face every situation on your own, open and scared for all of the new tribulations that will be coming you way are going to try and pound you to the ground. Sometimes we get lucky and we have someone there to hold our hand as we go through these new experiences, but other times we lose everyone and have to go through these new adventures on our own. No matter how or when you come to the point that it is time to finally be you, embracing the world is terrifying.
We, as humans, tend to create scenarios in our heads of how situations are going down. We practice what we are going to say and how we are going to act so that we could get them with as little trouble as we can manage. The only problem with this is that we can't calculate and plan for all of the chaos that is the world itself. Nothing ever seems to go according to plan, and when it does, it is through a high series of compromises and tweaks to get it to as close as you wanted in the first place. Knowing this information doesn't even seem to help as we try to set contingency plan after contingency plan. Sometimes we just have to roll through what life gives us and try to make the best out of any situation.
Stepping out from behind your cover and your protection immediately leaves you exposed for all of the world to see. The only shield you can carry with you is your confidence. It might not be able to take everything that is thrown at it, but it can just as well divert any problem that might be headed your way from even trying to begin. Confidence can help describe your person and allow for you to take those steps into the unfamiliar territory that is life.
Once you choose to make that step, you realize that it isn't just a step you are taking, but a whole leap. You are jumping out of your comfortability zone and going head first into a world of possibilities. It can be super scary, but it can be immediately exhilarating at the same time. The experience can even get overwhelming at times, but soon it all fades and it becomes normality. It becomes your everyday life and everyday experiences. The only key to making it the best possible for yourself is to remember that all the people have these same fears around you that you have. They constantly question how they are in public, how they are perceived by the people around them, if they are able to fit in and if they are looked at as weird.
Life is going to move on with or without you. It is your choice if you are going to be a part of life, it doesn't automatically include you. You'll be glad though when you do finally accomplish the feat of overcoming your fears and proceed with moving on in the world. Once you get to the point of where you can look back at everything, you will finally realize how much you have accomplished and how good it feels to know that you can close those old chapters on the previous life that you felt you would never get rid of.
Crushes On Those You Hold Dear
For me, I tried my hardest to be someone I was not. I tried to wear a mask so that I could show the world the person that they expected to see and not the person that I wanted to express that I kept hidden away on the inside. For years I went through everyday life terrified that I would one day slip or let lose the real entity of myself and allow for the world to get a glimpse at the person that I truly wanted to be. I would push people away and ruin friendships if I felt that they were getting too close into my personal bubble. I have no idea on how many great friendships I just randomly ended because I was too scared of letting the truth about myself slip into the wild. Living everyday terrified of yourself is truly devastating. It makes you become a shell of person and feel horribly empty. It was super hard for me to face myself in the mirror because I could see the reflection of the mask that I was wearing instead of the person that I kept locked away as far as I could inside of me.
Sometimes though the people that you try to push away in the fear of being found out, just might end up sticking around with you no matter what. They might not contact you all the time, but when you need them or hit them up they are always one of the first persons that will be there for you. It is kind of amazing how these people work in your life and prove to you that they are truly amazing friends and people. I have a handful of these people throughout my life and I am glad that I can call each and everyone of them a friend even though I have personally been one of the worst possible friends that I could ever be. If I could make choices over that I made throughout my life I would really wish to have done most of my friendships differently. There are people out there that were truly good to me that I just threw away like they were common trash that was easy to come by. Sometimes you can only wonder how those friendships would have been and wish that you were able to make amends.
After coming out to the world and to as many people in my life that truly needed to know the full details of what I was doing, I felt relieved like a huge chip came off of my shoulder. I instantly felt lighter and felt like I was able to complete anything that I wanted without the fear of having a repercussion. Not everyone was accepting and people that have been in my life decided to walk away forever. Other's were devastated. They couldn't believe that I would do something so drastic that they found that they couldn't handle. Then the ones that were just happy that I found happiness wished me the best and hoped I found success. Lastly there were the ones that heard what I told them, said that was cool and proceeded to treat me like the way that I wanted to be my whole life without hesitating to miss a beat. These are the people and the support that every transgender person needs in their life from day one so that their transition could be as much as a success as possible.
Well what do you do when you get a crush on one of those amazing friends that have been there for you for years? How do you go about trying to hang with them or just trying to keep things casual so that you don't make it awkward? All of these scenarios are real questions that even in my life I wish could be answered. You don't want to make things awkward and you definitely don't want to push the envelope if you friend doesn't know how you feel. There is never truly knowing what might happen unless you tell the other person. They might like you back or they might be weirded out by the situation. You never know exactly how that person will react unless you put them to the ultimate test, which is telling them. For a lot of us that is out of the question because we don't want to lose the awesome person that has decided to stay in our lives. For the others it just makes the relationship strained as you know that you don't want to be in the friend zone and wish that you would be able to actually have that romance with that person.
Well what is there really to do when you get stuck in this situation? Well the truth is there is really no right answer. There are so many different outcomes that every situation requires its own special attention. If you decide to tell your friend about your feelings you should first find out what their exact ideas are on lgbt relationships because that might defuse a bomb that will most likely destroy your whole friendship. Take it slow and build up to the relationship, don't just rush in with your feelings spilled out so that everyone can see. You have to realize that if your friend knew you before the transition, that they are still going to have the memories of the person that you were before. It might be super hard for them to come to terms that you are a whole different person now. Wait for them to truly accept you as a whole before you start dreaming of sunset romances. Also remember to play it safe. Realize that once you move your relationship to the next level it will never be the same. You guys will be totally different with each other and if it fails there might be a chance that you end up losing that friend anyways. Sometimes actually having that person in your life is more important than having a romance with that person. Truly ask yourself are you willing to give up everything you had with the person in question and do you think you can truly be happy throughout it all? Lastly, remember that all life is just a big card game. You gamble everything with decisions. Play your cards right and you can make it far happily, but get unlucky just that one time and you can lose it all. We already know what it feels like to lose people and it truly hurts no matter how strong you think you are. You never know what is truly going to happen unless you try, but sometimes not trying is just as important.
All you need to remember is that it is your life. You are the commander of it and even though people can help you out with certain decisions, they can't make them for you. You are the only one responsible for them. It was a huge choice to transition, it is another huge choice for who you include in your life afterwards. Nothing will seem perfect and not all will seem right, but once you make those decisions it is kind of hard to walk back on them. Just do you and be as great as you can for you. That is all that anyone can really do because at the end of the day you have to realize that your life is about you.
Why I Hate The Word Cis
Definition
Cis - denoting or relating to a molecular structure in which two particular atoms or groups lie on the same side of a given plane in the molecule, in particular denoting an isomer in which substituents at opposite ends of a carbon–carbon double bond are on the same side of the bond.
Cisgender/cissexual - used describe related types of gender identity where an individual's self-perception of their gender matches the sex they were assigned at birth.
Look at the two definitions above. Do you notice anything about the first one that stands out?
Did you notice how the first definition describes a relationship between two different atoms that compliment each other?
Also, did you know that Cisgender/Cissexual were terms created to compliment transgender?
No, you didn't. Why is that?
Cis is getting thrown around a lot these days in conversations between trans people and supporters of trans people. They use it openly and freely throughout the internet not realizing why the word was created in the first place. The use it in a way that is derogatory just like the n-word or the t-word. They use it to attack people who aren't transgender and it almost as if they want the word to bring shame on the rest of the world for not being a gender variant.
The words Cisgender/Cissexual had a positive meaning when they were created. The creator Carl Buijs has been accredited with the creation of the word. When asked how and why he came up with it he said, "As for the origin, I just made it up. I just kept running into the problem of what to call non-trans people in various discussions, and one day it just hit me: non-trans equals cis. Therefore, cisgendered."
In Latin cis means "on this side of," which is an antonym for the Latin-derived prefix trans-, meaning "across from" or "on the other side of".
So why now is Cis being used as a hateful word across discussions in transgender circles?
Transgender women get called men everyday. Transgender men get called dykes everyday. Usually the name calling is coming from someone who is gender conforming and they don't agree with gender non-conformity. These same people attack relentlessly until they are sure that their trans victims are broken and hurt, forgetting that they are people just like them. The hate that is spewed across the United States and the world for trans people is seriously disgusting. Some trans individuals don't even feel safe leaving the confines of their own homes, yet they transition so that they could be happy with themselves. A staggering 41% of trans people have tried to commit suicide or have come close to killing themselves. I can honestly admit that I am part of that percentage. It is a sad fact, but it is true. I am lucky that divine intervention stepped in and the quarter didn't land on heads or I wouldn't be here today. Not so many other trans individuals have been that lucky.
New figures claim 78 trans people have already been killed in 13 countries this year (2013) and 1,233 in 59 countries since January 2008.
Look at those numbers. 78 just this year alone. About 7 in the U.S. and it might be more, but some families don't claim that their sons or daughters were transgendered. That is a pretty sickening number.
Recently there has been an outcry from the public against these murders with rallies started to express the need for change. Isle Nettles' death has been used to get the public aware of how wrong it is for trans individuals to not feel safe in their own neighborhoods and on the streets.
Even despite all the new public views on transgender individuals ranging from up and coming tv actors or actresses, from the children who aren't gender conforming from an early age, from the transwomen who have been killed recently, all the way to Chelsea Manning coming out after her trial, a lot of trans individuals are still oppressed. Yes, it does seem that more and more people are realizing that these trans individuals are out there and that many of them are starting to come out of hiding because there is for more support now for us than there has ever been before, but that doesn't change that there are still many people that oppose transgender people having any rights.
Religious groups, family groups, feminist groups, male groups, you name it all come out in troves to attack trans people for just being true to themselves. They laugh in their faces, cite name calling and pretty much degrade us for existing. Some trans individuals are strong enough to just walk away, while others cower in fear and seem that they aren't able to get far enough away to stop being affected by the hate.
Trans people are sick and tired of living in fear and having gender conforming people attacking them for being who they are. They are tired of having to listen to rants of how they are scum of the earth, freaks, against nature, sinners and downright disgusting. This has lead to trans activist to take a stand and start fighting back. Some try to fight politically, getting trans awareness and trans issues out there. They advocate for rights and freedoms that should be open to us in the first place. Others fight back by having rallies and getting trans people together as a group to prove that they exist and that they aren't going away anytime soon.
Then you have the trans people that are just trying to defend themselves for existing. These individuals use the same techniques that the cowards do over the internet to attack back. This is where Cis became a negative connotation. This is where Cis lost its way. These individuals who tried to live normal lives and join the fight against patriarchy or misogyny, who tried to add to the building blocks of pushing society forward, have placed the word into a derogatory category. They throw it out there at the gender conforming groups and people as if they were shaming them for being who they are. They use it as a defense mechanism for countless reasons, but maybe to put a separation between themselves and them. I don't know all the reasons why it is used, I just know that when ever I see the the word, I know that it is being used in a negative connotation and that is sad.
I am not asking for people to stop using the word Cis and I am not asking for individuals to stop defending themselves from all of the haters. I am simply asking for our community to step up the game and quit getting as low as some of these other individuals dare to go. The more we use hate to defend ourselves the more hate will be used against us. We need to beat our enemies not in straight forward brutal battles, but behind the scenes, politically and intelligently. If you feel the need to defend yourself on the internet do it so using the best ethics possible. Don't allow for these individuals who spew hate to use you against yourself. Go into every fight level headed and be calm. Be aware when you have a troll or an actual person who is not quite educated on transgender existence. They will use every method to throw you off of your game and make you seem wrong or crude. When you feel that you can't deal with the conversations anymore just turn off that media for awhile while you cool down. If your end game is to teach them something, then teach it. Don't let them feel an accomplishment of making you look like a fool because your ideas were sporadic. Stay level headed and remember that you can't win every battle no matter how hard you try, but the war is far from over. There will be new days out there to win people over or give them insight. Today is not the last.
Again, don't fight hate with hate, it just spews more hate.
In With the New, Out With the Old
There are many times when you look back into your life and you wonder what if. What if you would have said things differently to that person? What if you hadn't decided to skip that school day? What if you had the courage to be who you really were back then? What if...?
Looking back into my past, I see the people that I have loved and lost. People that were great to the me that that they knew and people that I wish I could have in my life right now. Most of the people from my past I pushed away. "Why?" you might ask. Simply because I was too afraid that if they got too close to me that they might learn my secret. They might judge me in ways that I did not want to be judged. Say things to me that might hurt. Call me a freak and never look at me the same again. All of these were legit reasons at the time why I ran away from people, friends and even loved ones.
Going through old photos and remembering a past that seems so distant is sad. I have accomplished a lot, but it feels so empty when there is hardly anyone to share it with. I go through old social networks like Myspace and I remember a time when I had people that I could call friends and see on a regular basis because they were around me. When High School was over, so were they. I threw them away like they were a wrapper to a candy bar and never looked back. Most of these people probably remember me, but the plain truth is I don't know if they actually liked me. I could probably call them friends, but I don't know what they would have used the word for me. I was such a pain in a lot of people's sides because going through school I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to make it through to the next day, where I could finally be done with the hardships of school and move on to the "real world." I never made a real attentive connection with any of the people around me. I never tried to go beyond with that extra stuff that friends do for one another. Yeah, we hung out during breaks, maybe got high together, but did that constitute enough to be actual friends. I don't know.
I know I threw away relationships with people, but did they also throw it away the same way that I did? I really don't know. It is not like I can just go up to them and ask them, "Hey, why is it that we stopped communicating?" I will never really know the exact thought process that goes through a person other than myself.
It is scary realizing that there is only a select few in your life. Some of those people will surprise you and make you feel reassured. They might be people that you had no intentions of ever becoming friends with, but for someone reason they are. I wish I could go back and amend all the "so-called" friends that I had, so that maybe I could have carried them into the future, but as it goes I am still scared of how they will treat me. It is funny that that fear eats at my core so much, but that I still carry myself along through with the transition. Maybe eventually one day they will know and maybe they might be people that I can call friends again, but as of now they are just people in my past that are smiles I remember and good time memories.
To each and every one of you, that have entered my life at one point, either if I had made an impact on your life or you on mine, I say, "Thank you." I say it from the bottom of my heart. I say it with a lump in my throat. I say it like you never heard me say it before. "Thank you." Somehow someway each and everyone of you helped shape me to be the person I am today. I have found the courage and the confidence to be true to myself in ways that I had only dreamed possible. Yes, I now accept me for me. I am now on the building blocks of my foundation to actually be able to reach out to people and make friends. I am now not afraid of people knowing my secret for I now wear my secret out and about proudly. Again I say, "Thank you," to all of you, thank you for putting up with me when I was a downer. Thank you for putting up with me when I was super sarcastic. Thank you for putting up with me when I was a jerk. Thank you for putting up with me when I tried pushing you away. "Thank you."
-With much Love,
Maya
Looking back into my past, I see the people that I have loved and lost. People that were great to the me that that they knew and people that I wish I could have in my life right now. Most of the people from my past I pushed away. "Why?" you might ask. Simply because I was too afraid that if they got too close to me that they might learn my secret. They might judge me in ways that I did not want to be judged. Say things to me that might hurt. Call me a freak and never look at me the same again. All of these were legit reasons at the time why I ran away from people, friends and even loved ones.
Going through old photos and remembering a past that seems so distant is sad. I have accomplished a lot, but it feels so empty when there is hardly anyone to share it with. I go through old social networks like Myspace and I remember a time when I had people that I could call friends and see on a regular basis because they were around me. When High School was over, so were they. I threw them away like they were a wrapper to a candy bar and never looked back. Most of these people probably remember me, but the plain truth is I don't know if they actually liked me. I could probably call them friends, but I don't know what they would have used the word for me. I was such a pain in a lot of people's sides because going through school I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to make it through to the next day, where I could finally be done with the hardships of school and move on to the "real world." I never made a real attentive connection with any of the people around me. I never tried to go beyond with that extra stuff that friends do for one another. Yeah, we hung out during breaks, maybe got high together, but did that constitute enough to be actual friends. I don't know.
I know I threw away relationships with people, but did they also throw it away the same way that I did? I really don't know. It is not like I can just go up to them and ask them, "Hey, why is it that we stopped communicating?" I will never really know the exact thought process that goes through a person other than myself.
It is scary realizing that there is only a select few in your life. Some of those people will surprise you and make you feel reassured. They might be people that you had no intentions of ever becoming friends with, but for someone reason they are. I wish I could go back and amend all the "so-called" friends that I had, so that maybe I could have carried them into the future, but as it goes I am still scared of how they will treat me. It is funny that that fear eats at my core so much, but that I still carry myself along through with the transition. Maybe eventually one day they will know and maybe they might be people that I can call friends again, but as of now they are just people in my past that are smiles I remember and good time memories.
To each and every one of you, that have entered my life at one point, either if I had made an impact on your life or you on mine, I say, "Thank you." I say it from the bottom of my heart. I say it with a lump in my throat. I say it like you never heard me say it before. "Thank you." Somehow someway each and everyone of you helped shape me to be the person I am today. I have found the courage and the confidence to be true to myself in ways that I had only dreamed possible. Yes, I now accept me for me. I am now on the building blocks of my foundation to actually be able to reach out to people and make friends. I am now not afraid of people knowing my secret for I now wear my secret out and about proudly. Again I say, "Thank you," to all of you, thank you for putting up with me when I was a downer. Thank you for putting up with me when I was super sarcastic. Thank you for putting up with me when I was a jerk. Thank you for putting up with me when I tried pushing you away. "Thank you."
-With much Love,
Maya
Transwomen vs. Transwomen
I don't know where to begin. There is too many things to address on this subject. Everyday transwomen face an abundance of opposition from different multiple groups. Some of these groups target transwomen in a whole, but a lot of the time it seems to me that they attack individuals who identify as transwomen because it is easier to demolish one person than a whole group. This is the saddest part of society that we have to deal with. From going out in the streets, to our families or even having an online presence. All of these are avenues of attack that many anti-trans people verbally, emotionally and physically assualt trans individuals.
With as many places that there are for transwomen to be attacked, why is that transowmen attack each other on almost a daily basis?
I see it a lot across the internet and I have viewed it in personally in society. I see transwomen calling out people for not being femminine enough, not wanting to go through SRS/GRS, or doing things that are considered too manly for a woman to do. I am not pointing fingers to any exact individual, but they know who they are.
I find a prime example that happened in a meeting that Vivian Taylor had in this article: http://t.co/T5IlsNGdMk.
Quick summary if you don't want to read on the meeting: She is set up to meet with an older transwoman for tips and then is attacked by the transwoman for not being feminine enough and not trying to blend in so that she is not called out by society.
The major problem that I see with that is that what makes a woman a woman? What is that defining statement that makes it so? Can anyone really point it out?
As our society matures more and more women are finding that they can enter into anything that a man can. On a lot of new levels they are accepted as equals. In others, they are still fighting for the equal rights. Not one woman is exactly like another. There is not one woman that is a Stepford Wife. They all have different dreams and aspirations. They all are unique and able to do anything that they want to put their minds to. If they want to fall outside of gender norms and identify with masculine paraphernalia they are totally entitled to.
The same thing goes for transwoman. Nothing says that we can't continue to identify with masculine things if we want to transition to becoming female. It is not like we just wake up one day and say, "Hey, you know what? I think I am going to transition to becoming female just so I can make my life harder than it already is and add tons of oppression to it because it is something I feel like doing." No. We transition because we are already born women and want to be able to convert our bodies to look the way we perceive that they should look in our minds. This does not mean that we should just go and drop all of things that we have learned to like or just end up liking because they don't fall in line with gender normalities. We are allowed to like anything that we want and identify any way want because it is a basic freedom that is given to us.
Some people will go their whole life not being able to accept trans people and that is perfectly okay. It is their lost. Though what is not okay is for trans people not to accept others that might be in the same situations as them, but don't fully view the same views as them. We need to stick together to accomplish getting our basic rights and freedoms to be treated the same as cis people are. Even if you are trans and don't want to make yourself publicly known as an advocate, you can still help by giving encouragement to those who cross paths with you that you know who are trans. Don't ever discourage a transwoman because we all know how hard it is to be a transgender individual in the society that we live in. We all need support even if we fully able to be stealth and never have to deal with a trans issue again because there will always be a part of us that we won't fully accept.
Transwomen really need to unite on all fronts and learn to be able to accept all the differences there are under the trans umbrella. We need to realize that not everyone will conform to one side or another for gender normality. We need to try to accept everyone with their different levels because we never know when they might need our support the most. Even though some might not like to think so, we are all connected to each other in our fight for acceptance and even when that fight is over we will be united under sisterhood. Lastly we need to unite for our future generations, for the girls and boys that we used to be: confused, misguided and scared. We need to unite to show them that it is safe and that in this world they can come to terms with themselves while being able to express who they are no matter what it is.
With as many places that there are for transwomen to be attacked, why is that transowmen attack each other on almost a daily basis?
I see it a lot across the internet and I have viewed it in personally in society. I see transwomen calling out people for not being femminine enough, not wanting to go through SRS/GRS, or doing things that are considered too manly for a woman to do. I am not pointing fingers to any exact individual, but they know who they are.
I find a prime example that happened in a meeting that Vivian Taylor had in this article: http://t.co/T5IlsNGdMk.
Quick summary if you don't want to read on the meeting: She is set up to meet with an older transwoman for tips and then is attacked by the transwoman for not being feminine enough and not trying to blend in so that she is not called out by society.
The major problem that I see with that is that what makes a woman a woman? What is that defining statement that makes it so? Can anyone really point it out?
As our society matures more and more women are finding that they can enter into anything that a man can. On a lot of new levels they are accepted as equals. In others, they are still fighting for the equal rights. Not one woman is exactly like another. There is not one woman that is a Stepford Wife. They all have different dreams and aspirations. They all are unique and able to do anything that they want to put their minds to. If they want to fall outside of gender norms and identify with masculine paraphernalia they are totally entitled to.
The same thing goes for transwoman. Nothing says that we can't continue to identify with masculine things if we want to transition to becoming female. It is not like we just wake up one day and say, "Hey, you know what? I think I am going to transition to becoming female just so I can make my life harder than it already is and add tons of oppression to it because it is something I feel like doing." No. We transition because we are already born women and want to be able to convert our bodies to look the way we perceive that they should look in our minds. This does not mean that we should just go and drop all of things that we have learned to like or just end up liking because they don't fall in line with gender normalities. We are allowed to like anything that we want and identify any way want because it is a basic freedom that is given to us.
Some people will go their whole life not being able to accept trans people and that is perfectly okay. It is their lost. Though what is not okay is for trans people not to accept others that might be in the same situations as them, but don't fully view the same views as them. We need to stick together to accomplish getting our basic rights and freedoms to be treated the same as cis people are. Even if you are trans and don't want to make yourself publicly known as an advocate, you can still help by giving encouragement to those who cross paths with you that you know who are trans. Don't ever discourage a transwoman because we all know how hard it is to be a transgender individual in the society that we live in. We all need support even if we fully able to be stealth and never have to deal with a trans issue again because there will always be a part of us that we won't fully accept.
Transwomen really need to unite on all fronts and learn to be able to accept all the differences there are under the trans umbrella. We need to realize that not everyone will conform to one side or another for gender normality. We need to try to accept everyone with their different levels because we never know when they might need our support the most. Even though some might not like to think so, we are all connected to each other in our fight for acceptance and even when that fight is over we will be united under sisterhood. Lastly we need to unite for our future generations, for the girls and boys that we used to be: confused, misguided and scared. We need to unite to show them that it is safe and that in this world they can come to terms with themselves while being able to express who they are no matter what it is.
Through The Mirror
Wrong! It is the hardest part of my day, everyday. I know that I should be thankful that I have the ability to complete these simple tasks and I am able to even get out of bed at all, but the issue I have is looking myself in the mirror and having to see the reflection that I have staring back at me.
It is not that I am grossly disfigured, nor do I consider myself ugly. The reason I have a hard time looking into the mirror is because I don't see the reflection of the person that I am supposed to be. I look into the mirror and see someone foreign, that something is wrong and wishing there was something I could do to instantly fix it. In that moment I have to realize that the face I see is my own and there is nothing else to do, but suck it up.
Growing up as a child, not knowing what my situation was, I would dream there were magic machines and magic pills that could instantly transform me into a girl or that I could instantly switch with another girl in one of my classes just like in Freaky Friday. All of the day dreaming would get me by during the days, but at night it would hit me that my life was not headed in the direction that I wanted it to go.
Growing up I would force myself to do the most macho things I could find, such as sports, dating and getting into fights. I would rely on my lack of self esteem to propel me into fighting harder to pretend I was one of the guys and everyday I would find myself losing myself just a little bit more.
When I finally figured out there was something I could do to fix the situation that I was in, I was happy and scared at the same time. I dreamt of all the possibilities I could do with my life, but I was also resistant to the choice because of how transwomen are treated in the world. I knew in my own household that that choice of lifestyle would be highly frowned upon and that I would receive highly negative repercussions. I found out first hand when I experimented with gaining my own articles of clothing and other items that were discovered by my parents that lead to a very heated discussion which didn't end well in my favor.
Today I still see the same treatment to us. I see people haven't changed much in the last nine years. Society still treats us just as bad. There are more support groups and more people fighting for trans rights. There are more role models and more laws to protect us. There has been a lot of change, but still a lot of misinformation is passed around that hurts us.
We are attacked on a daily basis, on simple things that people everyday take for granted like being able to use a bathroom, or going out for a date around the city. These things seem pretty simple to do, but not for a transwoman. In Arizona you will get arrested for using a bathroom that you coincide with, but not your ID. While in New York transwomen have been stopped and searched insuring that they weren't sex workers, but if they happened to have a condom on them, they were arrested for prostitution. Normal women just trying to live their lives.
It seems to me that people are misguided on who transwomen are and the fail to realize that they are human beings too. A lot of it is had to be with how media portrays the female trans community. We are usually the butt end of a joke or we are casted into a negative light. Many find the jokes hilarious and some are done in good taste, but what these writers and producers fail to realize is that these jokes have major repercussions for us.
Take this simple joke that I heard:
Group at a bar
Guy1- You could have any girl in here. Well, except for that one. That's a dude.
Guy2- Seriously?!
Guy1- Trust me I know.
In this instance it seems that the joke is simple: that there is a woman at the bar that was born a male. If you take the words as they came and don't over emphasize there isn't much harm done. Some women I pointed this out to seemed to agree that it was a quick jab and that if the guy wanted to choose the woman beyond the fact that he would choose her because it was his choice. Though that is not all that I see that is wrong with this simple joke. What I see is what the words could lead to for people that don't have to deal with any transgender person on daily basis. It sparks the idea in me that the characters think that there is something wrong with the woman and that she doesn't get a valid chance to be chosen. It also flashes that what if some people take from this joke that transwomen are tricksters trying to lure men into being with them or even worse sexual predators that are lying and conniving to get into a man's pants?
I might be reading too far into this and making something out of nothing, but people tend to have like ideas, so maybe I am not the only one that thought this way. Maybe someone else thought this way and it is a reason that they have fear or hate for transwoman because this is the sole information that they have to base their whole understanding of what a transwoman is.
Then take tv talk shows such as Jerry Springer and The Maury Show. Both of these shows show transwomen in a horrible light. They always seem to make the transwoman as being the wrong person or a trickster. Especially on the Maury Show. One of it's popular segments is Can You Guess If she is a Man or a Woman. Seriously?! These women subject themselves to portraying themselves as tricksters to the whole audience so that they could make some measly money. They are women not men. They don't know how much damage they are causing by going around showcasing themselves as anything other than what they want to be perceived as. Don't even get me started with Jerry Springer. This show is just garbage and makes transwomen always look like they are sexual predators who trick their boyfriends into being with them by not disclosing what they were born. Yes that might be wrong, but it isn't how every relationship that starts out with a transwoman is. Though that is not how all people see it after watching these shows. They base what they see on television with truth and adjust the way they see the world because of it. These shows help them base what they think of transwomen.
Another negative portrayal of transwomen that disgusts me is how shows that have serious situations and are supposed to be lifelike use men to play transwomen. Not only do they do a horrible job at casting the role, it seems that they get actors who are far too masculine looking to play the part and that the part they always seem to play is that of a sex worker. More negative misguided information. If you you are going to include a trans character on your show get a trans person to play the part. Don't half ass it and shine negative lights on us. Even though there have been shows that have tried to portray the life of a transwoman such as Ugly Betty and Dirty Sexy Money, the writers seem to not have the full understanding of our lives which leads to the characters short comings.
What the general consensus needs to learn is that we come in many shape and sizes. Some of us can go through our lives and never be called out, while others of us have to deal with the hard fact of transitioning in society's eye. Our road is long and far from easy. There are many obstacles in our path that we have to overcome even before we can start our transition. We are human and we have feelings. We feel, hurt, laugh, cry and rejoice the same way that everyone else does, so we deserve to be treated the same.
In the fight for our rights we still have a long journey ahead of us to gain the ground that we need to be accepted as we are. There will always be hate in the world and groups that are different will always be attacked. What we need to learn is that instead of calling people out for being transphobic and shouting hate from the top of our lungs is that we need to learn to preach and coach them to help them understand the situations that we go through. We need to teach the world that we aren't to be feared or hated because we just want to survive the chaos of the world the same way that they want to survive it.
I hope that one day I will be able to look in the mirror and be happy with the reflection that is looking back at me. I hope that when that time comes that society will also be ready to accept it too.
Defining Yourself As Trans
I took a highly defensive stance once this individual claimed the above statement. Janet Mock has done much for the community and has devoted much of her life towards getting more rights for the trans community. She is a leader and fighter. Not only was this person trying to cause a rift, but also going against every trans individual that looked up to her.
In the next tweets she tried to change her stance and attack individuals that didn't or couldn't afford to go through SRS. She claimed that all the trans women who did not receive surgery weren't fully committed to becoming women and were not truly women, just fetish seekers.
I took much offense to this and decided to go on a rant that was taken out of context and used by a fellow trans women to personally attack me for having a view on how I define a transgender individual. Here is the tweets that had caused her to get all riled up:
Then she decided to attack me for this point of view. I shouldn't have blanketed all trans women under this term, but I did. This is my view and even though people won't always agree with it, it is how I see the world.
To clear up what I meant in calling us a third gender, in my personal view I don't see us falling in a category that is male or female. We can align ourselves to meet what society views as a gender norm, but scientifically we are related to the sex we are born with. Trans women are born male, with a chromosome build of XY. They have organs and anatomy that aligns with their XY chromosomes. To me this does not make you a man, You get to choose if you are a man or not, but if you end up having issues with your born anatomy, you would have to take them on medically as what you were born with: ie - if you get prostate cancer you don't want doctors who operate on female anatomy.
I see myself as a woman. You might see yourself as a man. Someone might see themselves as in between. These are all personal views. How do I cover all of them in one term? Third gender. I now know that all trans women don't agree with me and one clearly made light of that, but it is my own personal belief as I believe there is a God.
I am not taking away anything from the trans community by classifying myself as third gender. I am not telling anyone that they aren't a woman or a man. You can be whatever it is that you want to be in life and the world will just have to accept it. I wish for trans rights and I will fight as hard as I could with the small voice that I have. There will be more people out there to trip people up and ruin what we have created for ourselves. In our ranks we need to teach and nurture the girls who are ill informed so that they can see a clearer picture. We need not to attack those who are different because we each are different in every aspect of life.
Finally I leave off with: If you have an issue with someone tell them why you have the issue instead of assaulting them with vulgar words of hate. They may have not realize what they did wrong or how they offended you. You never know, it just might be their tipping point too. We are all sisters in this fight and we still have a tough road in front of us.
I took much offense to this and decided to go on a rant that was taken out of context and used by a fellow trans women to personally attack me for having a view on how I define a transgender individual. Here is the tweets that had caused her to get all riled up:
In this set of tweets I did agree that there were confused individuals amongst our ranks as trans women as there are amongst any group that has a following. I have had personal experience with supposed girls that were pretending to be trans so that they could be sexual predators and try to scam other trans women into exchanging pictures or personal information that was then used to target them. I messed up agreeing that they are confused gay men, but when you have only a 140 character limit, you try to make use of the space that you have. I tried to explain myself to her, but she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. She would rather prefer to use derogatory language and hate instead of trying to help correct me or show me how to voice my ideas in a better light.
To clear up what I meant in calling us a third gender, in my personal view I don't see us falling in a category that is male or female. We can align ourselves to meet what society views as a gender norm, but scientifically we are related to the sex we are born with. Trans women are born male, with a chromosome build of XY. They have organs and anatomy that aligns with their XY chromosomes. To me this does not make you a man, You get to choose if you are a man or not, but if you end up having issues with your born anatomy, you would have to take them on medically as what you were born with: ie - if you get prostate cancer you don't want doctors who operate on female anatomy.
I see myself as a woman. You might see yourself as a man. Someone might see themselves as in between. These are all personal views. How do I cover all of them in one term? Third gender. I now know that all trans women don't agree with me and one clearly made light of that, but it is my own personal belief as I believe there is a God.
I am not taking away anything from the trans community by classifying myself as third gender. I am not telling anyone that they aren't a woman or a man. You can be whatever it is that you want to be in life and the world will just have to accept it. I wish for trans rights and I will fight as hard as I could with the small voice that I have. There will be more people out there to trip people up and ruin what we have created for ourselves. In our ranks we need to teach and nurture the girls who are ill informed so that they can see a clearer picture. We need not to attack those who are different because we each are different in every aspect of life.
Finally I leave off with: If you have an issue with someone tell them why you have the issue instead of assaulting them with vulgar words of hate. They may have not realize what they did wrong or how they offended you. You never know, it just might be their tipping point too. We are all sisters in this fight and we still have a tough road in front of us.
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