The feeling of dysphoria is horrible. It can cause you to sideline everything that happens in your life. It causes you to become dysfunctional and useless. Every little thing from breathing to work becomes a pain. Just the knowledge that you exist in the world makes you feel disgusted and sick to your stomach. Your entire atmosphere becomes a mess and it is barely tolerable to live in. You don't care though. When the feeling of dysphoria comes and washes over you, it is hard to care about anything. You don't eat. You don't do laundry. You hardly work. You hardly interact with others and when you do it is mostly to tell them that you aren't interested in what they have to say. You revert back to being a shell of a person, empty inside and useless. Those around you are left to suffer too; your dogs, your cats, your spouses, your loved ones, the people that care about you, all of them left out in the cold to rot. You can't explain it to them because they won't understand. You try to visualize words that they might be able to hear, but how do you describe a chaos that is going on inside of you that has no distinct painful feeling that you can describe but is painful all over? How do you describe the overwhelming feeling of self hate and loathing? How do you plea for their help when you can't even stand the sound of your own voice or the thought of you having to deal with another interaction where they don't or won't understand?
You cry alone with yourself, who you hate because there is no one else to turn to, yet it is the only one that is there. You might already be going down the path to get to where you need or might not, it doesn't matter from dysphoria's point of view. It doesn't care whether you are having the time of your life or if you are having the worst time of you life. It moves in and swoops in fast. It destroys any self respect or love you have for yourself. It causes you to remove yourself from the world and it knows how to keep you from coming back for awhile. It is not biased or prejudiced. All it wants is to destroy you to make you feel pain and suffering. It wins almost every fight you put against it and it boasts its victories in your face. It is definitely a sore loser when it doesn't win and will always try to strike you when your back is turned. It comes and goes in the shadows so you can never be prepared for its attack. The days you do win though you should cherish because you never know when it is coming back. Those days are the easiest days and you wish for them to never end. On those days dysphoria sits there watching you biding it's time.
Today after a week long battle of losing, I finally won. I finally put dysphoria out of its streak. It was a real good battle, but in the end I came out victorious. It was a random win, but nonetheless a win. I was finally able to look at myself in the mirror and appreciate the person staring back at me. My body is finally to a point where it is getting harder and harder to deny the physical changes that have started to become really apparent. I could see the woman in me ready to break out. Ready to take on the world. Ready to defeat dysphoria at every chance she can get. Ready to be me. I look at her and smile; she smiles brightly. 'Today is going to be a good day,' I think to myself as I put on the male clothes to associate back into society as a liar. Today is going to be a good day.
Dysphoria watches and waits.
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