Going Through Transition

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Yes it does seem that estrogen or testosterone will be the answer to all of our problems, but if you're dealing with suffering and rage, then you you're still going to be dealing with suffering and rage. These hormones aren't a magic forget me all that just happens to make you instantly feel better. First starting out on hormones made me feel like shit and I contemplated for the first 3 months if I was doing the right thing. I hated myself even more because I felt that the hormones weren't doing anything for me. What I was soon to realize with help from my friends was that I needed to let go of the constraints that held me down from my previous state to now or they would continually transfer over. I needed to learn that I needed to just accept what was coming for me and that it wouldn't solve all my problems. At minimal it would magnify some and others it would keep the same or slightly lessen. None of my problems would go away. Not one. The only way to get rid of the pain, suffering, rage and hate is to work through those problems.

Seek professional help. Talk to someone who can help get you to a better level of understanding yourself before you go and throw crazy uncontrollable emotion in there. I wish that I would have done it too instead of trying to strike this out on my own. I wasn't prepared for any of the changes that I had previously so desperately welcomed. I wasn't ready to lose people that I held so dear to me from my life. I wasn't ready for being called out, made fun of, talked shit about, rumored about and the countless other things that my transition has helped me walked into. No I went in blind and had to learn the hard way. I had to learn that uncontrollable crying can happen at anytime in any place. That feelings are actually way different on estrogen than without. That breast growth is itchy, painful and down right annoying. That going through second puberty will cause you to be retarded at times and you'll be all over the place. That not only are you throwing away male privilege to become a woman, but if someone doesn't accept your chosen appearance than you're a monster and scum of the earth. Even though you find out you're still generally the same person than before you have to kind of realize that at the same time your not. You either have to become a lot tougher with a harder shell or you'll become completely weak and destroyed. I thought as a guy I did some pretty tough shit and in those moments with guy mentality, I just had to suck up and push on. Now I know nothing is harder than this lifestyle choice. This is where all that suffering comes into play. This is where you truly have to man up and make your choice: are you going to try to obtain happiness or are you going to allow for the world to constantly destroy you to the point where you don't want to exist. The thing is you're going to continually have to ask yourself that everyday because everyday it will get gradually and gradually harder, but just remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is up to you, no one else, to try to obtain that point.

I know I envy cis people even more than ever before of how easily they accept their genders, but I'm learning more and more through this transition that is not the case. Everyone is slightly dysphoric about something in their body or way of life that drives them mad and they just have to deal with it everyday. This is life. I'm just trying to get rid of my dysphoria. I am just trying to live my life the best way that I know possible. This road is going to be long and tough, but I will be free to be me. I will be free to do what I need or want to do to survive. This road may or may not lead to a happy ending. Life is weird that way. All I know is that if I can have the days when I feel utterly happy multiply then this road is totally worth it.

Today is the day that I finally talk to someone about my issues, the ones that I have built walls against, the ones that I have tried so hard to convince myself didn't exist. I do not know what I am going to say or if I will even be able to say them. All that I do know is that this is one of the biggest steps that I have tried to make in my life. Anxiety is settling over me as we speak. I fear that it will all go wrong, that I will have to wait longer, that I will be denied the chance to see someone that might actually try to help me through my pain and transition. Today is a scary ordeal that I will have to face to help defeat myself. Today is just another day for my life.