For me, I tried my hardest to be someone I was not. I tried to wear a mask so that I could show the world the person that they expected to see and not the person that I wanted to express that I kept hidden away on the inside. For years I went through everyday life terrified that I would one day slip or let lose the real entity of myself and allow for the world to get a glimpse at the person that I truly wanted to be. I would push people away and ruin friendships if I felt that they were getting too close into my personal bubble. I have no idea on how many great friendships I just randomly ended because I was too scared of letting the truth about myself slip into the wild. Living everyday terrified of yourself is truly devastating. It makes you become a shell of person and feel horribly empty. It was super hard for me to face myself in the mirror because I could see the reflection of the mask that I was wearing instead of the person that I kept locked away as far as I could inside of me.
Sometimes though the people that you try to push away in the fear of being found out, just might end up sticking around with you no matter what. They might not contact you all the time, but when you need them or hit them up they are always one of the first persons that will be there for you. It is kind of amazing how these people work in your life and prove to you that they are truly amazing friends and people. I have a handful of these people throughout my life and I am glad that I can call each and everyone of them a friend even though I have personally been one of the worst possible friends that I could ever be. If I could make choices over that I made throughout my life I would really wish to have done most of my friendships differently. There are people out there that were truly good to me that I just threw away like they were common trash that was easy to come by. Sometimes you can only wonder how those friendships would have been and wish that you were able to make amends.
After coming out to the world and to as many people in my life that truly needed to know the full details of what I was doing, I felt relieved like a huge chip came off of my shoulder. I instantly felt lighter and felt like I was able to complete anything that I wanted without the fear of having a repercussion. Not everyone was accepting and people that have been in my life decided to walk away forever. Other's were devastated. They couldn't believe that I would do something so drastic that they found that they couldn't handle. Then the ones that were just happy that I found happiness wished me the best and hoped I found success. Lastly there were the ones that heard what I told them, said that was cool and proceeded to treat me like the way that I wanted to be my whole life without hesitating to miss a beat. These are the people and the support that every transgender person needs in their life from day one so that their transition could be as much as a success as possible.
Well what do you do when you get a crush on one of those amazing friends that have been there for you for years? How do you go about trying to hang with them or just trying to keep things casual so that you don't make it awkward? All of these scenarios are real questions that even in my life I wish could be answered. You don't want to make things awkward and you definitely don't want to push the envelope if you friend doesn't know how you feel. There is never truly knowing what might happen unless you tell the other person. They might like you back or they might be weirded out by the situation. You never know exactly how that person will react unless you put them to the ultimate test, which is telling them. For a lot of us that is out of the question because we don't want to lose the awesome person that has decided to stay in our lives. For the others it just makes the relationship strained as you know that you don't want to be in the friend zone and wish that you would be able to actually have that romance with that person.
Well what is there really to do when you get stuck in this situation? Well the truth is there is really no right answer. There are so many different outcomes that every situation requires its own special attention. If you decide to tell your friend about your feelings you should first find out what their exact ideas are on lgbt relationships because that might defuse a bomb that will most likely destroy your whole friendship. Take it slow and build up to the relationship, don't just rush in with your feelings spilled out so that everyone can see. You have to realize that if your friend knew you before the transition, that they are still going to have the memories of the person that you were before. It might be super hard for them to come to terms that you are a whole different person now. Wait for them to truly accept you as a whole before you start dreaming of sunset romances. Also remember to play it safe. Realize that once you move your relationship to the next level it will never be the same. You guys will be totally different with each other and if it fails there might be a chance that you end up losing that friend anyways. Sometimes actually having that person in your life is more important than having a romance with that person. Truly ask yourself are you willing to give up everything you had with the person in question and do you think you can truly be happy throughout it all? Lastly, remember that all life is just a big card game. You gamble everything with decisions. Play your cards right and you can make it far happily, but get unlucky just that one time and you can lose it all. We already know what it feels like to lose people and it truly hurts no matter how strong you think you are. You never know what is truly going to happen unless you try, but sometimes not trying is just as important.
All you need to remember is that it is your life. You are the commander of it and even though people can help you out with certain decisions, they can't make them for you. You are the only one responsible for them. It was a huge choice to transition, it is another huge choice for who you include in your life afterwards. Nothing will seem perfect and not all will seem right, but once you make those decisions it is kind of hard to walk back on them. Just do you and be as great as you can for you. That is all that anyone can really do because at the end of the day you have to realize that your life is about you.
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