Going Through Transition
Yes it does seem that estrogen or testosterone will be the answer to all of our problems, but if you're dealing with suffering and rage, then you you're still going to be dealing with suffering and rage. These hormones aren't a magic forget me all that just happens to make you instantly feel better. First starting out on hormones made me feel like shit and I contemplated for the first 3 months if I was doing the right thing. I hated myself even more because I felt that the hormones weren't doing anything for me. What I was soon to realize with help from my friends was that I needed to let go of the constraints that held me down from my previous state to now or they would continually transfer over. I needed to learn that I needed to just accept what was coming for me and that it wouldn't solve all my problems. At minimal it would magnify some and others it would keep the same or slightly lessen. None of my problems would go away. Not one. The only way to get rid of the pain, suffering, rage and hate is to work through those problems.
Seek professional help. Talk to someone who can help get you to a better level of understanding yourself before you go and throw crazy uncontrollable emotion in there. I wish that I would have done it too instead of trying to strike this out on my own. I wasn't prepared for any of the changes that I had previously so desperately welcomed. I wasn't ready to lose people that I held so dear to me from my life. I wasn't ready for being called out, made fun of, talked shit about, rumored about and the countless other things that my transition has helped me walked into. No I went in blind and had to learn the hard way. I had to learn that uncontrollable crying can happen at anytime in any place. That feelings are actually way different on estrogen than without. That breast growth is itchy, painful and down right annoying. That going through second puberty will cause you to be retarded at times and you'll be all over the place. That not only are you throwing away male privilege to become a woman, but if someone doesn't accept your chosen appearance than you're a monster and scum of the earth. Even though you find out you're still generally the same person than before you have to kind of realize that at the same time your not. You either have to become a lot tougher with a harder shell or you'll become completely weak and destroyed. I thought as a guy I did some pretty tough shit and in those moments with guy mentality, I just had to suck up and push on. Now I know nothing is harder than this lifestyle choice. This is where all that suffering comes into play. This is where you truly have to man up and make your choice: are you going to try to obtain happiness or are you going to allow for the world to constantly destroy you to the point where you don't want to exist. The thing is you're going to continually have to ask yourself that everyday because everyday it will get gradually and gradually harder, but just remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is up to you, no one else, to try to obtain that point.
I know I envy cis people even more than ever before of how easily they accept their genders, but I'm learning more and more through this transition that is not the case. Everyone is slightly dysphoric about something in their body or way of life that drives them mad and they just have to deal with it everyday. This is life. I'm just trying to get rid of my dysphoria. I am just trying to live my life the best way that I know possible. This road is going to be long and tough, but I will be free to be me. I will be free to do what I need or want to do to survive. This road may or may not lead to a happy ending. Life is weird that way. All I know is that if I can have the days when I feel utterly happy multiply then this road is totally worth it.
Today is the day that I finally talk to someone about my issues, the ones that I have built walls against, the ones that I have tried so hard to convince myself didn't exist. I do not know what I am going to say or if I will even be able to say them. All that I do know is that this is one of the biggest steps that I have tried to make in my life. Anxiety is settling over me as we speak. I fear that it will all go wrong, that I will have to wait longer, that I will be denied the chance to see someone that might actually try to help me through my pain and transition. Today is a scary ordeal that I will have to face to help defeat myself. Today is just another day for my life.
Being Picked On
Going through life people always have the fear of being picked on, bullied or not fitting in. They try so hard to get in the “cool” things that they end up losing a part of themselves. They either forget or give up stuff they actually like in hopes of not being an outsider. They change who they are for the simple sake that someone won’t call them out. This how general society works.
I know that not every single person decides to live this way and the ones that don’t follow the status quo usually have it pretty hard. They are usually singled out for the uniqueness and it leads to tons of problems that usually separates them from general society. These people realize that changing themselves to fit into other groups doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be happy. They keep to themselves and are sometimes lucky enough to find people that they are alike or that actually don’t care that they are so called “weird.” These people don’t live vain or in hiding. They express themselves the only way they know how and usually are pretty happy in what they do.
Every person has their own unique ability. They are able to do things that others think are impossible. Yet so many people easily give up those abilities to be part of cliques where they get drowned out as drones. They allow for their peers or the social media to tell them what is cool, in style or just plain what makes you fit in. Pretty soon they give up what they actually like and start believing that what they are told to like is what they do like. It is pretty sad to see someone talented get drowned out by all of the voices around them and not have their own.
Yet society is changing. Being an Individual is more popular than ever. Kids are becoming resistant to change and are continuously staying who they are while expressing themselves how they want. The fear of not fitting in is disappearing. Somehow this younger generation, even though it is a select few, are setting the standards for the generations before them and the ones to follow.
These kids are brave enough to come out and say that something is wrong at ages when adults wouldn’t believe it is possible. They are able to express themselves unashamed and peacefully without negative repercussions from their peers. The only problem is that they are still getting picked on.
They are getting picked on by the older generations who need to learn from some lessons from them. The older generations that aren’t receptive to change are the ones striking down the hopes and dreams of these kids way before they even have a chance of fully finding their places in the world. They are picking on them and destroying their beings without ever having knowledge of who these kids even are. They tell them that there’s rearmost and that they don’t have a place in society. The sad part is that it is not only the kids that are coming out as transgendered and gay, it also includes the kids that think outside of the box, the ones that apply simple logic to complicated situations, the ones that question why 2+2=2x2 and so on. It isn’t change that is holding us back, but the resistance to change that is.
Our society needs to stop pushing stuff on principles that don't exist anymore. How many people who fight against the things that they find immoral to be only caught doing the same immoral acts? Doesn't that prove something? To me it says a lot. It tells me not to follow people and their opinions so blindly. It tells me to have my own opinions and question things that don't make sense to me or that I don't understand. It tells me that no one is ever right and that we have to come to our own conclusions. We have to formulate our own ideas and remember that we are individuals that can see differently than everyone else. So why do we so easily accept others views as our own?
The reason I wrote this post today is because most of my whole life I ran from my transition because I was scared of not being accepted or fitting in. I was scared I was going to get bullied, harassed and at worst killed. I was terrified of anyone knowing my secret. I tried so hard to make it seem like it wasn't there, but it felt like I was trying to swim up from the bottom of the ocean only to notice that it didn't look there was any relief in sight. I gave up tons of things that I had enjoyed over the years just so that people would think I was normal. I have done a lot of things that have progressed me farther and farther into living life with a mask.
I used to like going to school, until I met a bunch of kids at Vanalden Elementary that made my life hell. When I had first learn how to write I was left handed. After switching schools some boys told me that I was gay if I wrote with my left hand so I forced myself to switch. I didn't know what gay was at the time, but I knew that I didn't want anything to have to do with it. At my old school it didn't matter if I had a friend who was a girl or a boy we didn't care. At Vanalden that was not the case. I had always found myself drifting more towards trying to hangout with girls than boys. As it turned out though boys were yucky and girls didn't want anything to do with me. All the boys were mean to me because I was the rich kid or the six year old that joined their second grade class or because I just didn't fit in.
I didn't know what to do and tried to find out from my mom why it was that I couldn't wear pretty dresses like all the other girls. That is when I found out what gender was. I was told because I was a boy I couldn't wear dresses. That only girls got to wear dresses. I kept asking until she used the perfect analogy and it went all down hill from there: You're like Daddy and the girls are like Mommy. Daddy only wears pants and Mommy can get to wear dresses. You're a boy and one day you'll be a Daddy who marries a Mommy and live happily ever after. From that day on I knew that something was wrong with the world before my eyes. That somehow someway things were messed up and that I was going to suffer. I still remember my first prayer to God asking him to change my gender: Please God let me wake up a girl so that I can wear pretty dresses, but that prayer soon faded away after the bullying got to its worst. I could never find a way to fit in. Sometimes I would just sit by myself because I wasn't feeling like having to defend myself from all of the other kids. Even that wouldn't stop the bullying. In one instance I was picked on by a group of girls around the third grade and was told: Your such a sucky boy, you should have been a girl. That statement hurt to my core because I wanted to tell them they were right. I wanted to tell them that is how I felt, yet I just ran away because I didn't know what else to do. Over the years I can't remember how many times I heard that statement in both good and bad forms. No matter though how many times I heard it or which way it was it still hurt. It still made me feel less than. It made me try to cover my true self with a thicker mask because obviously the last one wasn't working. In the end I became the biggest bully to myself.
Recently I started transitioning and was found out by my co-workers. At first they were told to keep it quite and that they were to say nothing of it because I was such a great employee. With that being said I wasn't questioned about it or told anything. I just went through like nothing happened, but I could tell that everyone saw me different. I would hear the things they would say about me when they thought I couldn't hear. I knew that I was the point of major ridicule and there was nothing that I can do because no one was attacking me head on. I was being made fun of behind my back and it hurt that I wouldn't have any chance to defend myself.
I finally got fed up of fearing that if I had ever brought up my transition that I would be attacked and came out to people that would actually deal with me. Turns out most of them didn't care and actually talked to me about it. They only wanted to know the basics and anything past that made the conversation turn awkward. I only answered the questions that they would ask and I would quit when I could tell that they didn't want to hear anymore. I still feared being picked on, but I would rather have people know my situation than use the opinions of others to formulate or accept those opinions as their own.
Pretty soon it died down, but the jokes started flying out. Yes, at times it does feel like I am being picked on, but because of the career field that I work in I know that this is how the try and deal with something that they fully can't get their head around. Some of the jokes are really funny and even I laugh along or add to the fun, but at other times I can't believe what was said and have to walk away. I know most of the people aren't trying to be mean or make me feel uncomfortable, but most don't have to deal with a person transitioning beween the genders. They are doing the best they can to try and make it so that I am not left out of the group. I didn't think that would be possible, but I am finding out that the more and more people that are ready to acknowledge my situation with me the more and more that they don't care and are like, "Well do whatever makes you happy."
It is really weird going though most of my life afraid to be picked on to actually wanting to be picked on because it means that my situation is being acknowledged and accepted. (Mostly I am getting teased for being a girl, rarely transgendered) It is weird how much life can change over a small period of time and how you can look at stuff that used to scare you differently. Embracing this new world is scary, but being able to be strong through it and not run away will mean the world of difference to your transition.
I know that not every single person decides to live this way and the ones that don’t follow the status quo usually have it pretty hard. They are usually singled out for the uniqueness and it leads to tons of problems that usually separates them from general society. These people realize that changing themselves to fit into other groups doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be happy. They keep to themselves and are sometimes lucky enough to find people that they are alike or that actually don’t care that they are so called “weird.” These people don’t live vain or in hiding. They express themselves the only way they know how and usually are pretty happy in what they do.
Every person has their own unique ability. They are able to do things that others think are impossible. Yet so many people easily give up those abilities to be part of cliques where they get drowned out as drones. They allow for their peers or the social media to tell them what is cool, in style or just plain what makes you fit in. Pretty soon they give up what they actually like and start believing that what they are told to like is what they do like. It is pretty sad to see someone talented get drowned out by all of the voices around them and not have their own.
Yet society is changing. Being an Individual is more popular than ever. Kids are becoming resistant to change and are continuously staying who they are while expressing themselves how they want. The fear of not fitting in is disappearing. Somehow this younger generation, even though it is a select few, are setting the standards for the generations before them and the ones to follow.
These kids are brave enough to come out and say that something is wrong at ages when adults wouldn’t believe it is possible. They are able to express themselves unashamed and peacefully without negative repercussions from their peers. The only problem is that they are still getting picked on.
They are getting picked on by the older generations who need to learn from some lessons from them. The older generations that aren’t receptive to change are the ones striking down the hopes and dreams of these kids way before they even have a chance of fully finding their places in the world. They are picking on them and destroying their beings without ever having knowledge of who these kids even are. They tell them that there’s rearmost and that they don’t have a place in society. The sad part is that it is not only the kids that are coming out as transgendered and gay, it also includes the kids that think outside of the box, the ones that apply simple logic to complicated situations, the ones that question why 2+2=2x2 and so on. It isn’t change that is holding us back, but the resistance to change that is.
Our society needs to stop pushing stuff on principles that don't exist anymore. How many people who fight against the things that they find immoral to be only caught doing the same immoral acts? Doesn't that prove something? To me it says a lot. It tells me not to follow people and their opinions so blindly. It tells me to have my own opinions and question things that don't make sense to me or that I don't understand. It tells me that no one is ever right and that we have to come to our own conclusions. We have to formulate our own ideas and remember that we are individuals that can see differently than everyone else. So why do we so easily accept others views as our own?
The reason I wrote this post today is because most of my whole life I ran from my transition because I was scared of not being accepted or fitting in. I was scared I was going to get bullied, harassed and at worst killed. I was terrified of anyone knowing my secret. I tried so hard to make it seem like it wasn't there, but it felt like I was trying to swim up from the bottom of the ocean only to notice that it didn't look there was any relief in sight. I gave up tons of things that I had enjoyed over the years just so that people would think I was normal. I have done a lot of things that have progressed me farther and farther into living life with a mask.
I used to like going to school, until I met a bunch of kids at Vanalden Elementary that made my life hell. When I had first learn how to write I was left handed. After switching schools some boys told me that I was gay if I wrote with my left hand so I forced myself to switch. I didn't know what gay was at the time, but I knew that I didn't want anything to have to do with it. At my old school it didn't matter if I had a friend who was a girl or a boy we didn't care. At Vanalden that was not the case. I had always found myself drifting more towards trying to hangout with girls than boys. As it turned out though boys were yucky and girls didn't want anything to do with me. All the boys were mean to me because I was the rich kid or the six year old that joined their second grade class or because I just didn't fit in.
I didn't know what to do and tried to find out from my mom why it was that I couldn't wear pretty dresses like all the other girls. That is when I found out what gender was. I was told because I was a boy I couldn't wear dresses. That only girls got to wear dresses. I kept asking until she used the perfect analogy and it went all down hill from there: You're like Daddy and the girls are like Mommy. Daddy only wears pants and Mommy can get to wear dresses. You're a boy and one day you'll be a Daddy who marries a Mommy and live happily ever after. From that day on I knew that something was wrong with the world before my eyes. That somehow someway things were messed up and that I was going to suffer. I still remember my first prayer to God asking him to change my gender: Please God let me wake up a girl so that I can wear pretty dresses, but that prayer soon faded away after the bullying got to its worst. I could never find a way to fit in. Sometimes I would just sit by myself because I wasn't feeling like having to defend myself from all of the other kids. Even that wouldn't stop the bullying. In one instance I was picked on by a group of girls around the third grade and was told: Your such a sucky boy, you should have been a girl. That statement hurt to my core because I wanted to tell them they were right. I wanted to tell them that is how I felt, yet I just ran away because I didn't know what else to do. Over the years I can't remember how many times I heard that statement in both good and bad forms. No matter though how many times I heard it or which way it was it still hurt. It still made me feel less than. It made me try to cover my true self with a thicker mask because obviously the last one wasn't working. In the end I became the biggest bully to myself.
Recently I started transitioning and was found out by my co-workers. At first they were told to keep it quite and that they were to say nothing of it because I was such a great employee. With that being said I wasn't questioned about it or told anything. I just went through like nothing happened, but I could tell that everyone saw me different. I would hear the things they would say about me when they thought I couldn't hear. I knew that I was the point of major ridicule and there was nothing that I can do because no one was attacking me head on. I was being made fun of behind my back and it hurt that I wouldn't have any chance to defend myself.
I finally got fed up of fearing that if I had ever brought up my transition that I would be attacked and came out to people that would actually deal with me. Turns out most of them didn't care and actually talked to me about it. They only wanted to know the basics and anything past that made the conversation turn awkward. I only answered the questions that they would ask and I would quit when I could tell that they didn't want to hear anymore. I still feared being picked on, but I would rather have people know my situation than use the opinions of others to formulate or accept those opinions as their own.
Pretty soon it died down, but the jokes started flying out. Yes, at times it does feel like I am being picked on, but because of the career field that I work in I know that this is how the try and deal with something that they fully can't get their head around. Some of the jokes are really funny and even I laugh along or add to the fun, but at other times I can't believe what was said and have to walk away. I know most of the people aren't trying to be mean or make me feel uncomfortable, but most don't have to deal with a person transitioning beween the genders. They are doing the best they can to try and make it so that I am not left out of the group. I didn't think that would be possible, but I am finding out that the more and more people that are ready to acknowledge my situation with me the more and more that they don't care and are like, "Well do whatever makes you happy."
It is really weird going though most of my life afraid to be picked on to actually wanting to be picked on because it means that my situation is being acknowledged and accepted. (Mostly I am getting teased for being a girl, rarely transgendered) It is weird how much life can change over a small period of time and how you can look at stuff that used to scare you differently. Embracing this new world is scary, but being able to be strong through it and not run away will mean the world of difference to your transition.
New Horizons
So recently I just came out to a bunch of friends that I used to have in High School before I decided to abandon them from my life because I felt that it would be too hard to have to keep pretending to be something I wasn't around them. I lost a lot of people that way, but as it actually turns out, I didn't lose as many as I thought.
Most of the friends that I have came out to have nothing but compliments to hand out to me with a bunch of courage and support. It is super overwhelming because I thought that out of all the people that I was friends with only a handful would be supportive and actually want to move back into our friendship like it never disappeared, not missing a beat. It is pretty awesome to realize that I was always surrounded by great people, I just needed to find myself before I could realize that. As it turns out it is only a handful that probably do have a problem with my transition and they show it by refusing to accept my friend requests and since I don't want to count the negative things in my life, it can also be that they don't recognize me at all because heck, I don't even recognize myself.
All of these old friends have each done different and amazing things in their lives that I am super excited about catching up. This is a new road ahead of me and I definitely know it is for the better. I am glad to say that I have more support from unlikely places and it feels good. It definitely puts a smile on my face and gives me hope that I can make through these changes with way more people there to back me up. I just can't wait to see what the world has in store for me next.
Current feeling: Happy and excited.
Current music choice: Silversun Pickups
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